It’s so cramped in the car, all crushed around me, and the seat belt is digging into my shoulder. But my first thought isn’t to wonder why I’m hanging upside down, why there’s blood all over the dashboard, or even why there’s a paramedic shining a flashlight in my face. It’s that I really, really need to pee.
Anger is a normal part of grief, and it doesn't always make a lot of sense. It can feel shameful and disorienting when we're angry at the person we've lost, but that's a normal part of grief too. After Laura died, I was mad at her for being gone and leaving me behind. In my worst moments, I blamed her for letting me drive the night of the crash and felt mortified when I became aware of my anger. In this excerpt from Crashing: I Love You. Forgive Me, I'm dreaming of fighting with Laura and letting her know how mad I am.
In the below excerpt from Crashing: I Love You. Forgive Me, available now, I've just left the University of Maryland Shock Trauma Center after learning of my girlfriend Laura's death. Laura had been the designated driver for the birthday party she threw for me the night before, and I was shocked when the police told me I was driving the car she died in. The onset of near-hysterical grief was like a lion pouncing on me from the grass.